I have not written on here since November of last year.  I have been in a dark place.  But hope is beginning to shine through.  I have written a poem tentatively titled ' Hope Descends'
There is a video at the end that goes with how I feel at this moment.

                                                   
            

Tentative Title:  Hope Descends    


When the darkness descends upon me and folds me in it's dark cloak, hope is not known
weariness sets in my bones
Sleep is my only solace
Nightmares draw near
Grey clouds fall upon me
My sighs are like a mournful ballad
Life is not an option
The oblivion of an eternal sleep would be as a balm upon my soul
Tears rain down on me
Staining my cheeks
Chain-smoking
Restless
Irritable
‘Leave me be’ is my cry
Dreary, painful
This life is not acceptable
Thoughts and plans of ending me
Too many thoughts, racing
Oppressed by dark, cold days
Unbearable heat, brown grass
Locusts singing
Burning without flame


Descending from the grey clouds, a comforter appears
Her name is Hope
She brings with her new songs
Joy
Life
Bathed in the golden nectar of the sun
Morning birdsong
Gentle breezes flow through the branches
Sparkles through tears
Roses open their fragrant petals
As hope shines on them with her new song
'patience' whispers Hope
Observe the rose
How she gently opens every morn
Revealing more of her beauty
Until finally she is open fully
Open with the rays of the sun and the soft drops of
Rain to nourish
Listen to the harmony of the day
The breeze and the birds sing a new song

Searching

I love to read and I love to learn new things.  I like to discover new authors.  I love history.  World history, American history, any kind of history, I soak it up.  I have been reading a lot lately about the Civil War, reconstruction, segregation.  I have been reading about WWII.  The things that interest me most is how did people or countries get to a certain place, a certain perspective.  I have a deep interest in the motivations of people, and how they came to do certain things.  How countries came to be the way they are and the motivations and beliefs that led to how they are now.

I have also been reading about religion.  I am interested in the truth, to what the scriptures are actually saying, not what a preacher or denomination tells me that it says.  I have learned that I need to read the entire chapter in the bible, not just a verse, plus put in the context of who was talking, who they were talking to, what certain words really mean according to the times or in the original Greek.  What I have found is that I have been spoon fed doctrines and not the truth.

I am not so sure about certain things as I had before I started studying more deeply.  The more I study, not just the bible but other parts of history, things seem to come together, but I have more questions the more that I learn.  I have been questioned about my faith in doing the questioning and studying of the bible recently.  I was asked do you believe Jesus was who he said he was.  Yes I do believe that.  The next question, why do you believe that but you have questions about other things in the bible?  Good question.  The only answer that I have is that I was raised by a Southern Baptist mother.  I also believe in my spirit that Jesus is who he says he is.  I just happened to be raised this way, by chance.  If I would have been born in the middle east I would have the same strong core belief of a Muslim.  I believe there are many ways to the truth, and evangelicals christians do not have a monopoly on it.

All of this learning and questioning of my faith leaves me exhausted and with more questions than ever before.  It would be much easier to just go with my upbringing and go with the flow.  The question is, is that what God wants me to do?  He is the one that gave me a brain, and an inquisitive mind.  So, no I don't believe that I should just go with the flow.  There is a quote that I like by Galileo:

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The above makes so much sense to me.  I have so many thoughts about what is in the bible.  But this I believe. When we we are finally with God and all is revealed to us, we are all going to be surprised.  I do not even begin to understand the mystery of God.  I may be wrong, but I believe that quite a lot of the things we have been spoon fed about religion in our generation is wrong.  I believe that God is so much more than we can even conceive him to be.  I think he has more revelations for us, more for us to learn.

This is what I choose to believe.  That our God is a good and loving God.  That we are on earth with free will and bad shit just happens, a lot.  I don't believe that God caused it, or is testing us.  I believe that the eternal spirit of God looks upon the world and sees individuals, not nations or states or regions.  He sees individual souls that he created and loves.  Maybe when I see him, all will be revealed to me, because I have so many questions still.  Maybe when I shed the flesh that holds my eternal soul that is when all will be revealed, when I will be able to handle all of the mysteries. 

This is my journey, to seek the truth, whatever it might be.

We Live in hard times not end times

Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day

If Today Was Your Last Day lyrics
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad;

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
© ARM YOUR DILLO PUBLISHING INC; WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP;

Walking the Walk

Image by kmevans via FlickrMy big thing is kindness and compassion.  I talk about it, read about and try to practice it everyday. The key word there is 'practice'.  Or maybe even exercise.  Like the muscles in your body if you don't exercise them they atrophy.  If you don't practice or exercise kindness and compassion it is all talk.  So I try to exercise or  practice kindness and compassion on a daily basis.  I try to be mindful of the words I say or write.  I try to smile at the grumpy or sad waiter or waitress, I don't shoot the bird at someone who has cut in front of me in traffic and I am nice to the customer service person who is helping me on the phone.  I am even polite to my dogs.  I walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

I do fall short in my walk with kindness and compassion at times.  I did last week.  I told someone in a group I am a member of they were an asshole.  I was pissed and annoyed and flabbergasted that this person was rude to me.  What I did was react when I should have been listening to my spirit.  I was not feeling well and in a bitchy mood. This is not an excuse for what I said.  If everyone is nice and kind to me there would never be an opportunity to to walk this walk that I have chosen.  I was irritated for a couple of days about it.  I even messaged the leader of the group to tell them about it and this is not something I do.  Then I was still and listened to my spirit.  What I heard is, 'you are not walking the walk, it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong you should be on good terms with all people if this is your purpose'.  When I was younger reacting is what I did.  I am not a child anymore and have supposedly grown as a person and here I was, calling someone an asshole.  I used energy to be angry and irritated.  Energy that I could have used sending out love instead of anger.

I listened to my spirit and apologized to this person for calling them an asshole.  I let it go.  The response I received back was 'thanks'.  That was it.  They did not apologize for being rude to me.  Did that matter? Not a bit.  It's not about them, but about me and how I respond in the world.  What kind of energy I am putting out there.  They have their issues and they have to deal with them, or not.  Either way, not my business what they do but with what I do.  What I did was listen to my spirit and walked the walk.  I took this time to think about the people in my life that I was angry with and send out love to them.  The anger towards them has popped up again, but I took a deep breath, and sent out love.

I believe you get out of this world what you put into it.  I don't want to be angry and resentful.  I know that this is not good for my spirit to carry this around.  I exercised my kindness and compassion muscles.  I am going to put out into the universe what I would like to get back, love, kindness and compassion.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Desiderata
--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

 

Laughing

Image via Wikipedia
I love to laugh.  I mean a really good, belly, snort laugh.  Days go by where I might giggle a bit, maybe a small laugh, but nothing to write home about.  A few days ago I got a good laugh going early in the day, and my laughing continued until bedtime.  That was a good day.  I have a very goofy group of friends that I hang with.  When we are all together it is like we are 16 again.  I had not spent very much time with them lately, but the aforementioned day I hung out with them.  I giggled, and did a lot of snort laughing.  It's quite freeing to be with people that you can be a complete silly person with.  I love them.  I need to spend more time these people.   My inner 16 year old silly girl had fun.  I had not had fun in a while.  Laughing, I need more of that in my life.